Starry-Eyed Surprise

Nearing my favorite time of the year, the 2006 ASB (initials of midsummer’s classic and yours truly), there are several types of columns I could write. I could simply list my All-Star ballot, a tempting possibility considering my work schedule of late. Taking on a bit more responsibility, I could complete the rote task of listing some stats, making brief comparisons and working in a pop culture reference here and there, but I’m feeling a little saucy. I had the idea of writing from the standpoint of a Twins fan, outraged that Mauer lost in the voting, that Liriano was cast to the Final Man ballot (I take pride in my 20-odd votes, but there is room for improvement), that nobody recognized that Nathan’s having his best season despite less gaudy save totals, that Justin Morneau’s superior season lost out to Paul Konerko’s relationship with Ozzie Guillen, and that Johan Santana was inconsequentially omitted from ESPN.com’s poll about how should start the All-Star Game. But I am not quite so bitter, since Liriano will probably make the team, leaving only Nathan with any gripe after losing to a stellar group of closers- Jenks, Papelbon, Rivera, Ryan. Instead, I will expand beyond baseball, listing not only my All-Star starting lineups, but each player’s most similar band or musician, along with something resembling a justification of the comparison. Naturally, my musical selection will be heavily weighted toward bands that occupy my consciousness, largely crowding out the following genres: country, punk, pop. Sorry.

American League

C- Joe Mauer- Franz Ferdinand: Both are young, widely respected across diverse groups of fans, and both have room to grow into greater fame and fortune. There is little left that Twins fans need to hear about Mauer, as he clearly beats out Pudge Rodriguez in every category but past success, so I will leave you with a trivia question: Of the two- Joe Mauer and Franz Ferdinand- which is named after a former archduke of Austria? Good luck with that one.

1B- Travis Hafner- The Velvet Underground: Wildly and uncommonly talented, yet not exactly by the book. Many diehard music fans cannot get on Lou Reed, just like Hafner’s streaky hitting and platoon splits cause some to overlook the fact that he has become one of the game’s premier players. He is no more a first baseman than the Velvet Underground, but MLB lists him there on the ballot, and he has out-hit the universe this season, leading the majors in VORP by nearly six runs. He belongs on team, but like the Velvet Underground, it is not easy to find a place for him.

2B- Brian Roberts- Shania Twain: Hear me out. Both were around for awhile, seemingly settling into a comfortable niche before exploding briefly into megastars. Roberts obliterated his elbow, Twain had children, and each settled into a diminished but respectable role. The O’s second baseman will probably never match his HR production from early last year, but he gains a big advantage over real AS Jose Lopez with the extra 70 points of OBP. That Twain-Roberts career arc is an interesting one though, even for a long time with one sharp spike in the middle, sort of like the profile of a part hat on a pancake. I’m going to pretend like that metaphor was perfectly natural.

3B- Alex Rodriguez- Britney Spears: Perhaps Britney’s star has faded to the Liz Taylor special, tabloid-only status, but I once contemplated her success at selling records the same way I know ponder A-Rod’s jersey sales- who buys this stuff? Both of them took loads of crap for striking a nerve with the general public, albeit the exact opposite nerve. I say A-Rod is due for a monster year around 2008-2009 for a team like the Dodgers or Braves, but Britney’s equivalent octuple platinum comeback album is not such a good bet. If Britney is A-Rod, then who is the sports equivalent of Kevin Federline? I’m going to go with Penny “Papozao” Hardaway.

SS- Derek Jeter- U2: I wanted to pick Miguel Tejada so I could talk about how history conspired against him, just like it did The Who, but then I noticed that Jeter has a 60 point OBP advantage. I think this comparison works: both have done good work (Jeter’s 1999, U2’s early work like Achtung Baby), but both have produced the same over-hyped garbage over and over to the point of nausea. Moreover, both Jeter and Bono need to stop worshipping everything about themselves and pretending their appeal transcends the game/art form. At least we can always hold historical mistakes against them: Jeter dating Mariah Carey during her Glitter/completely batshit insane phase and Bono singing on “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

OF- Grady Sizemore- Van Morrison: Sizemore’s .304/.379/.544 might not jump off the page, but he does everything well, including playing plus defense in center and stealing 13 of 15 bases on the season. Maybe Cleveland does not deserve two starters, and maybe I am biased against Chicago for selecting Hafner/Sizemore over Thome/Konerko/Dye, but if that bothers you, shouldn’t you be reading Hawk Harrelson’s website about how Jon Garland is nearing a breakthrough on cold fusion and Juan Uribe is a really good-looking guy, but not in a gay way? Anyway, the only support for this comparison is that I thought both Sizemore and Morrison were black until seeing otherwise.

OF- ICHIRO!- Beck: These two share quirky talents, incredibly dedicated fans, and elicit a slightly uncomfortable reaction from middle America. Also, I tend to believe that each one is just slightly overrated. In any case, Ichiro is one of the most fun players to watch, so we might as well put him on the list. Hitting .355 has some value after all, and he does it almost every year.

OF- Manny Ramirez- Guns ‘N’ Roses: Both are MIA, so…

OF (replacement)- Jermaine Dye- Jay Z: Like Roberts, Dye has followed an interesting career arc, although I am not sure Jay Z is the best approximation in the music world. Both flashed incredible talent right away, Dye for KC and Atlanta, Jay Z on Reasonable Doubt. Then, they cashed in, but failed to do their best work, Dye in Oakland, Jay Z on Blueprint, Vol. 1, and Vol. 2. Finally, Dye achieved his greatest success later by finding the right situation in Chicago with a short porch in left and a good medical staff. Similarly, Jay Z took control of the Black Album and regained critical acclaim, finishing his career with one of the best hip-hop albums in recent memory.

SP- Johan Santana- Carlos Santana: Both are widely recognized as SUPERstars, beyond the regular application of the phrase. Johan’s Cy Young and Carlos’s Grammys validate the amazing work each one has done. Nonetheless, I am convinced that both would be much bigger stars if they spent more time self-promoting. Everyone talks about Torii as the face of the Twins, but when Johan probably should have assumed that mantle two years ago, he actively deferred. Maybe it is a language barrier, maybe a subtle hint of racism, I do not know. Oh, they have the same last name you say? Hmmm, what a coincidence.

CL- B.J. Ryan- Lynard Skynard: The story about how “B.J.” is a redneck perversion of “Bo Junior” clinched his association with the greatest redneck band of all time. Also, I have a feeling that, like Skynard and many other electric closers, Ryan will go out in a blaze of glory before anyone really expects it.

The AL will be enough for today. As you may have noticed, I picked very few players having career years in their peak seasons. I prefer to fill up the All-Star team with up and coming superstars like Sizemore and Mauer who fans will follow for years to come, or established guys who will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. It is not the right or wrong way to approach it, just my preference. I will finish up with the National League All-Stars next time.